THE RITUAL OF THE LINDROSIANS

The Lindrosian Brotherhood, followers of Lindrinus, meet annually at sundown on the eve of February 23rd in the paved parking lot of the Red Double-Decker Bus, located in the beautiful city of London, Ontario. In the parking lot, lit by glass street lanterns, the Lindrosians begin their ritual with a celebratory feast of back bacon and cold beer while listening to Gary Glitter's Rock 'n Roll Part II. After downing a two-fer each, the Lindrosians board the Red Double-Decker bus, with their hockey sticks in hand, to start their journey through The Big Smoke to the great land of Oshawa.

Once in Oshawa, the ritual continues. The Lindrosians symbolically put the biscuit in the basket with the slapshotting of scads of dog biscuits into Lake Ontario in homage to the great Bacchus, canine companion of Lindrinus. At midnight the Quebecois chapter of the Lindrosian Brotherhood starts the ritualistic pouring of the alcool and preparation and later consumption of poutine. The celebration ends for the evening, when the Lindrosians pass out on the shores of the lake overgorged and pissed as all get out.

The next morning, the Lindrosians board the Red Double Decker bus after a breakfast of beavertails and homo milk. The bus travels many clicks leaving the Great White North for South of the Border. Destination: the States, namely, the F U Center, where they bow their heads in silence for five minutes remembering when Stanleycupificus graced the Flyers during their 73-74 and 74-75 seasons and pray that he may grace them again. They then unite with new converts and continue on to the final leg of their ritualistic journey, Bobby Clarke's home in Vorhees, New Jersey. Upon arrival they climb over Clarkie's back yard fence, and baptize the new members of the Brotherhood in Clarkie's pool in the shape of the Flyers' Crest. After the baptismal ceremony is over, they rejoice with body checking and needless elbowing. The celebration only ends when Clarkie gets home and calls the cops. The Brotherhood then dispurses and starts the journey home, every member leaving with an unforgettable memory and looking forward to next year's Ritual of the Lindrosians.

THE RITUAL OF THE PRONGERITES

Prongerites, followers of Prongicles, unify annually at the temple at St. Charles, located in the rugged Ontario north country, affectionately termed B.F.D.-Butt F*ck Dryden. Dryden, Ontario is a pleasant, tranquil place, afforded by a few nice streams, but otherwise the inhabitants live without modern luxuries such as running water, electricity, indoor plumbing, and orthodontistry. On the evening of the holy rite, the Great Lawn at St. Charles is illuminated by the breathtaking sight of burning hockey stick torches.

After the ritual lighting, the Prongerites sacrifice a mighty moose to the mightiful Prongicles. They promptly barbecue it, slather it with A-1 Sauce, and eat it. To replenish the fluids lost on the journey northward, they drink the Nectar of the Gods--ice cold and by the two-four. After a night of feast and drink and dancing the "Jig of the Branches" (a festive two-step utilizing hockey sticks), the Prongerites lay themselves upon the Great Lawn for a cleansing nap, until the local magistrate arrives to issue trespassing fines and/or jail sentences.

Despite the restless night and possible misdemeanors, there are only satisfying thoughts. For the Prongerites have paid homage to their great God and most importantly, they have asked the ruler of the cosmos, Stanleycupifus, for entrance into heaven where the Great Hall of Toronto therein lies.